Before we dig into what we construe to be the stages of hangover, let’s think about what gets us there in the first place. Drinking, of course, but what and how?
Here’s how we suffer hangovers.
1. Sweet Denial
Call it sweet denial or false hope. At this stage, it’s all potato, potahto anyway. You get up feeling great. So good, in fact, that you start thinking about taking last night up as a habit.
That’s the alcohol talking. It’s still floating around in there, making you clean up your house, make yourself a hearty breakfast, and take a quick shower.
Any minute now, it’ll come out, and scream, “Psych!” and you’ll feel it in the worst possible places.
2. Harsh Reality
Hangover, meet the person who had the audacity to have neat drinks without snacks.
Unless you start your day with alcohol recovery, there’s no stopping the headache headed your way. When it hits, you know how the railroads feel when a train passes over them. The rosé-hued glasses are off, and in their place, is a kraken swallowing your noodle like it’s instant.
3. The Struggle
The tummy ache comes and goes—so many times that you’re traumatized. Even after it’s over, you’re constantly on edge, bracing for impact.
You suck it up, and use your last two electrolytes to ride out the next eight hours while simultaneously keeping The Unholy at bay.
4. Everything Times 10
It’s got to go out with a bang, right? So, remember that toast you had a hard time keeping down this morning? That’s looking like a cheese hamburger right about now.
In fact, everything looks overblown. The food in the office pantry, that one thing your snooty cousin said to you at your bat mitzvah, your face in the restroom mirror—actually, that might be you after all.
5. Full Circle
You’re finally at home turf, meaning you can let out whatever you’ve been holding on to all day.
But, hey, it’s not there anymore, and you feel… bereft. Like, you’ve been robbed off the chance to vent, so you end your day with an advanced electrolyte drink in a tropical mimosa because old habits die hard.
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